Tips for Daily Self-Management

For me, trying to self-manage and get through a day with ADHD is equivalent to corralling a herd of wild stallions. I have to remain vigilant at ALL times. I have to remind myself that I have ADHD, self-observe, and use what I call my “survival” strategies. If I don’t, I’ll be left to my own devices—racing across the savannah headed who knows where!

Over the years I’ve learned that these strategies form the foundation that keeps me tethered and allows me to accomplish my goals for each day.

Stay focused—PARK IT!

To combat the racing thoughts that come with ADHD, create a method to “park” them. This could be texting or emailing reminders to yourself, using recording devices, or jotting them down on paper. My preferred method is paper. I keep paper everywhere—in my car, purse, kitchen, bedroom, office, bathroom, on the stairs, by the front door, the garage door. Even when I exercise, I carry paper and pen. By parking it, I won’t forget the thought, obsess about forgetting, or act on it—I’ve parked it and can act on it later!

Keep the day manageable

My motto is, “If your daily list/goals gets bigger than a post-it, you have too much on your plate.” And my post-its are the three-inch by three-inch ones (not the three feet by five feet flipchart-sized post-its).

Visualize yourself in time and space

At the beginning of each year, I print out the next twelve months—one month per sheet. I post them across the wall and fill in ONLY “big ticket” items such as conferences, vacations, or anything out of my regular routine, doctor appointments, visitors, and so forth. As each month goes by, I draw a huge ‘X” through it. This way I can conceptualize time passing, the future and events to come.

Smooth out transitions

Transitions are the bane of my existence. If I do not know what is coming up next I become anxious, panic and at times end up becoming paralyzed. To prevent this, I do the following:

• As far in advance as possible I collect, organize and set out everything I need ahead of time for projects, trips, or getting in the car to do errands.
• I then post notes, such as: “Nancy, remember, conference in 2 weeks!” or “Go to bank at 3 pm!”

Keep perspective

Anyone who has ADHD knows that life can be like a rollercoaster ride—there are ups and there are downs. The problem is we can become very myopic and convince ourselves during the down times that things will never get better. I’ve learned to appoint two to three trusted, longtime friends who know me well to give me a reality check. They remind me I have ADHD, that I tend to think catastrophically, that I tend to forget the positive things, and that within a few hours or by the next day I will have forgotten about it and be “back to normal.”

Manage meals

Set the table the night before. Pre-prepare any ingredients ahead of time—chop any vegetables ahead of time and put them in plastic baggies so all you have to do is throw them in the mix.

Remember to take things to the car when running errands—including your to-do list!

Tape or clip your car keys to whatever it is! Packages, letters, to-do lists, dry cleaning, and so forth.

Manage finances

Use one, and only one, credit card to charge everything, and ONLY do online paperless bills and banking.

Keep track of important things

I always tell someone else where I've hidden a spare key or put an important document. History demonstrates that I'll always forget, no matter how important it is. I also photocopy of all contents of my wallet, in case I ever lose it.

Organize papers

Don't sweat the small stuff! I clump things in categories. Any similar projects get clumped together. Conferences, bills, client work, health, office equipment, etc., get filed into a file cabinet and ONLY "active" projects stay on my desktop, either in wire baskets or expandable flex file folders so I can carry them around with me and work on them in different places.

I hope you’ll find these tips helpful. Until next month,

Warmly,

Nancy

Change Takes Time

I think New Year’s resolutions are a bad idea, a total set-up for failure for people with ADHD. There never is such a thing as turning a new leaf just like that.

“It’s funny how clear things are becoming since we started this coaching,” a client once told me. “I can see now that I’ve always had a remarkable unconscious repertoire of behaviors to accommodate for the problems in my personal and professional life. None of them have been particularly healthy, and most of them are downright self-defeating. Mainly, I had to make sure people held me in impossibly high regard, but would fondly excuse me from any concrete expectations.”

And then he added an observation so rich in insight that it can affect your self-coaching journey, as well: “Only because I’ve slowed down enough to think about what I’d been doing—to reflect—can I see this. And I think taking the necessary time has been the real difference in making the changes I listed as my goals way back when we started. I know everything in life seems ridiculously fast-paced, but I still wonder why so few people understand the concept of time when it comes to change.”

What he was referring to is the incontrovertible truth about changing your life. As you self-coach, you cannot judge a strategy’s success or failure after one or two attempts at implementing it. You have to take time to let it work, and you have to take time to evaluate whether it’s working. The symptoms of your ADHD and the goals you hope to accomplish might be vastly different from my client’s, but the responsibility of evaluating your progress belongs to both of you.

Coaching, remember, is a process, and the changes you seek don’t happen instantly, but incrementally over time, sometimes a very long time. Because success requires commitment, and because the strategies you design are as individual as your individual needs, trial and error is an inherent, and time-dependent, part of the process. As you self-initiate change, you have to evaluate constantly whether the strategies and structures you’ve created serve your goals. If you’re heading steadily toward where you eventually want to be, then your strategy is apparently a good one and you can continue to leave it in place. But if you’re falling behind or slipping off course, you’ll have to make a correction.

Evaluate your plan

That’s what evaluating means: Judging or appraising the success of your plan and strategy, and acting, or reacting, accordingly.

Sometimes modifying a plan is easier said than done for individuals with ADHD, not because they can’t think of another strategy, but because they haven’t taken the time to analyze what is wrong, and right, with the original one. One of my clients, for example, knew how quickly she would become impatient when she didn’t get immediate results. “I could feel myself getting in a panic or a frenzy,” she told me, “and I’d wind up just ditching the entire plan. I never knew how to look at individual parts of it, so I never really knew which parts might be working and which parts weren’t. I’d get so frustrated that I’d just give up on everything.”

Through coaching, she understood the importance of acknowledging her history of impatience in order to counteract it. In her notebook, she began to track her progress with the plan on which she was currently working, addressing specific structures within it. By slowing down to analyze discrete elements of her plan, she could evaluate each separately and then make the necessary changes, rather than give up entirely on what might, with a few adjustments, have been workable and successful.

The following questions can help you assess your progress:

• What is working in my plan? Try to identify specific progress using this strategy, such as specific actions you’re now taking.
• Why is it working? If you can identify why it works, you can use the information in creating other strategies.
• What measures or system can I use to track my progress?
• If something is not working, what about it isn’t? Can you isolate one thing that isn’t?
• What can I do about it? Have you perhaps selected the wrong day to pay your bills? A simple change could make all the difference for you!
• When will I do it? A goal must have a specific start date, or it is merely a wish. Set a date to begin!
• What is my commitment level? On a scale of 1, lowest, to 5, highest, rank your commitment. Remember that it has to be high if you’re going to succeed!
• How can I remember my commitment to my goal? How can you engineer your environment to help you? What visual or auditory cues can you use?

Keeping track of your progress and adjusting your strategy along the way are essential to success, so go back to these questions regularly. But precisely how often you must re-evaluate your plan is impossible to answer, for just as there is no one-size-fits-all strategy, neither is there a one-size-fits-all timeline.

If you have ADHD, your biology complicates your life. Remembering your goal for the future—whether it’s the next ten minutes, hours, days, or months—can be affected. So can remembering the pain of past behaviors and patterns. Short-term goals are always best, and you have to make sure the goals or resolutions you choose are ones you truly want and ones that are meaningful to you.

We need to always have a plan, a goal, a vision, a path, a place toward which we are moving. We need to see the steps and see where we are in space and time. That means posting a calendar with important deadlines and dates so we can see them in the context of the day, week, month and year. And we need to post the calendar somewhere where we will see it all the time. Some people even cross out each day as it passes to see time "encroaching" on their goals and deadlines.

But remember, at times, we can plan, plan, plan—and get completely caught up in planning. Or become rigid, committed to the plan and not the process. Life is a process, and it unfolds in mysterious ways. As a very close friend once told me, there is no script for life—always make room for and expect the unexpected.

Warmly,

Nancy

And To All—A Good Night’s Sleep!

Personal health is often a low priority for people with ADHD. Lack of organizational skills and an inability to prioritize make it difficult to establish and maintain the structures and routines needed to sustain good health habits. Because staying healthy has a positive effect on everyone—especially people with ADHD—it needs to be a goal, and strategies for achieving and sustaining a healthy lifestyle need to be incorporated into your life.

But even if you’re determined to live a healthy lifestyle, along come the holidays to interfere with established routines. For many people, it becomes even more difficult to keep up with things like getting enough sleep, exercising and eating regularly, eating healthy foods, taking medications regularly, and keeping up on personal hygiene.

Sleep can become especially challenging during this busy and sometimes overly exciting time of year. But it’s estimated that up to 80 percent of people with ADHD experience sleep problems anyway, even when it’s not the holiday season. You can find a lot more information on this subject in the article by Gina Pera, “ADHD Never Sleeps, But Children and Adults with ADHD Can,” in the December 2010 issue of CHADD’s Attention magazine.

Here are a few strategies I recommend to my clients that can help at any time of year. You may find them particularly helpful now when there’s even more temptation to burn that midnight oil.

Create (and stick to) wind-up and wind-down routines.

Waking up on time hinges on going to bed on time and getting a good night’s rest. Set routines to help you “wind up” in the morning and “wind down” at night. They can consist of anything from showering and watching the nightly news each night, or having coffee and reading the paper each morning. The idea is to ritualize the routines you have created around getting up and going to bed.

Wake up and go to bed at set times.

Establishing consistent times for sleeping and waking really works! Don’t keep irregular hours, even on the weekends—especially during the holidays. Wake up and go to bed at the same time each day. This will increase the quality of your sleep by letting your body enter into a rhythm, and help to de-stress you by knowing when your day starts and ends. Not everyone requires the same amount of sleep, but consistency is the key, so establish a routine and stick to it.

Know what your traps are.

Problems with transitions can contribute to the struggle of going to bed and waking up. Because people with ADHD struggle with ending one activity and starting another, it’s important for you to know your traps and be vigilant in avoiding them. If you know that talking on the phone, watching TV, or checking e-mail keeps you up past your bedtime, post signs reminding you to stick to your schedule. For example, don’t allow yourself to go on the computer or answer the phone past nine o'clock at night. Ask for help from those around you so they know not to distract you from your goal. I had one client who knew he would sit and read for hours in his home office, losing track of time, so he bought light timers and set them to turn off all the lights in his office, jolting him into closing his book and going to bed.

Set a bedtime alarm.

Use a wristwatch with an alarm or set an alarm clock in your home to go off one hour before bedtime so you have time to get ready.

Have a system for waking up and staying up.

Always have a back-up system—use three alarms if necessary! Set one in the bedroom, one in the bathroom, and one in the kitchen. If you turn off the one by your bed, you’ll still have the other two ringing, forcing you to get up and turn them off. Or switch off with a friend, calling each another in the morning, and commit to it. The buddy system works.

Other strategies some of my clients use involve their senses: pre-setting their coffeemaker to go off so the aroma can reach them, or purchasing alarm clocks with dawn lights that gradually fill the room with bright light. Some even sleep with their shades open so the morning light will wake them up.

 
Whether you're trying to stay on a healthy track this season, or just beginning to recognize how good health habits improve your ability to manage ADHD, I hope you'll find these strategies helpful. Here's to healthy and happy holidays!
 
Warmly,
Nancy

Part Two: More Strategies for Maintaining Spiritual and Mental Wellness

Ever notice what happens when you don’t adhere to personal boundaries, curb impulsivity, or keep emotions and negative tapes in check? If you, like many people affected by ADHD, face challenges in these areas, you may find it difficult to maintain spiritual and mental wellness. When you give support to your internal life, you improve your “external” life as well. This month I will share seven more strategies that can help you maintain your “inner” health.

1. Hold yourself back. Learn to say NO!

The word “yes” flies out of our mouths way too often, and we end up over-committing and stretching ourselves way too thin. Each day, say “no” to something, no matter how big or small, so you get comfortable saying it. Create a variety of dialogues that will help you hold yourself back from various situations. For instance, if your friend or colleague asks you to make plans for the upcoming weekend, say, “I’d like to give this some more thought before I commit. Can you check back with me tomorrow?”

2. Keep perspective. Be comfortable in the grey zone.

In times of crisis or stress, your sense of clarity can be skewed and the desire to make things “black or white” can be very compelling. Be sure to be flexible with yourself and others. Allow yourself time to be in the “grey zone,” especially if there is a crisis that is out of your control, like a death or divorce. Recovery can’t be forced, so let your emotion run its course. In time, the fog will lift, and your energy and clarity will return.

3. Journal your emotions.

If you frequently deal with “runaway emotions” or “negative tapes,” you probably get locked onto thoughts or issues, unable to let go. By keeping a problem-solving log, you can defuse emotions by distinguishing what they are and what they are associated with. Write in the log whenever your emotions are preventing you from moving forward. The log can lead you through a series of questions that you ask yourself, such as, “What specific situation triggered my sadness?” “What specific action did I take in the situation?” “What could I have done differently?” “What specific action can I take now?” Answering questions like these can help you step back, see the issue in perspective, and recognize that you have the power to deal with it. This helps you let go of the feelings you are overwhelmed by, gain a new perspective, and move on.

4. Plan in advance for potential emotional upheavals.

To help prevent or minimize emotional upheavals, make detailed plans for any times you find potentially volatile, such as holidays or unstructured time. Write out or go over dialogues in your head of what you will say in particular situations and how you will say it. Have an “escape” plan. For example, I have a client who gets in her car and goes to sit in a parking lot for a little while to take a break from the traditional Christmas Day celebration with her extended family each year. She returns renewed and more able to participate in the holiday festivities.

5. Create a history and future for yourself.

Keep a journal of past accomplishments, future goals, and plans. Review it regularly. Typically, individuals with ADHD live in the moment, which lends itself to a host of problems: not thinking of consequences before acting on thoughts; forgetting past accomplishments as well as past failures; not thinking of the impact of current choices on a future goal, even a short-term one. The feeling of being perpetually trapped in the present can often lead to feelings of emptiness and lack of direction. Having a list of past accomplishments can help to shift your focus to the success you’ve already achieved. It can also encourage you to believe that you can succeed again and achieve what you set out to do!

6. Beware of let-downs after completing big projects or accomplishments.

Many of my clients immediately go into a depression after they complete a large project. All of a sudden the pressure is off and nothing seems exciting or relevant. Know this can happen, and put a plan in place to compensate for the downtime. For example, immediately after I completed the Boston Marathon, I couldn’t escape the sense of “I haven’t done anything with my life; I’m a total loser.” To counter this, I put together a photo album of the marathon and started sharing my recent “win” with everyone so it would stay alive in my mind and help me remember that I wasn’t a “loser.”

7. Take a daily inventory.

Take time each day to reflect on your life and how you are living it. What do you want to change? What will it take? What are you willing to give up to get there? How were you of service today? How can you live a more purposeful life? Asking yourself these questions at the end of each day will help you focus on the things you can and cannot change in your life. That way you can begin to focus more on the positive instead of the negative.

These strategies and the ones I wrote about last month have made a difference for many of my clients who cope with ADHD. If one doesn’t work for you, try another. The key is to find something that helps you keep yourself in balance, use it for as long as it works, and try something new when you need to.

Warmly,

Nancy

Maintaining Spiritual and Mental Wellness - Seven Strategies

Maintaining a healthy mental or spiritual life is contingent upon balancing work with play, taking time for yourself, and giving back to the community. Failure to adhere to personal boundaries, to keep emotions and negative tapes in check, and to curb impulsivity can contribute to diminished spiritual and mental wellness. When you give support to your internal life, your external life will also be better. Here are seven strategies:

1. End the shame and blame.

The only way to stop blaming yourself for your ADHD is to learn as much as you can about it. If you can understand the neurobiological roots of ADHD, you will be better able to separate yourself from the disability and do something about it. The way to end the shame and to start to build self-esteem and move forward is to make friends with your brain and develop strategies to bridge gaps in performance.

2. Make a date with yourself.

Block out “sacred time” weekly to rejuvenate. Don’t allow anything to creep into this space. For example, if you’ve decided to use this time to read and relax, don’t allow yourself to clean your house instead because you have a day off. To help put boundaries around this sacred space, make a list of what is permitted in that space and time, and what is not. Post it! Review it and practice sticking to it!

3. When you say yes, you also mean no.

Often, we don’t think of the consequences of saying “yes.” Stop and think before committing. When you say “yes” to something, what are you saying “no” to? For example, if you say “yes” to doing an extra project at work or helping a friend move on a Saturday, are you saying “no” to spending more time with your family or to taking time to exercise? What are you saying “yes” to in your life? What are you saying “no” to? What is it costing you? Try to ensure that “yes” adds something to your life.

4. Identify your energy rhythms.

People with ADHD are often unaware of when their bodies are worn down. It’s important to learn not only what types of projects create energy for you, but also which ones drain energy. That way you can plan the most demanding activities during your peak energy times, as well as gauge when to stop working on a project and rest.

Keep a calendar or a log of your energy rhythms for a period of several weeks. This works best if the system is simple. For example, use a scale of plus or minus signs to depict high or low energy times, and write them beside different activities logged in a daily calendar.

5. Pre-plan for bad brain days.

Can’t concentrate? Distracted? My clients call this a “bad brain day.” For these days it’s important not to push yourself too hard and to have a failsafe plan in mind by knowing what works for you. Take a break and walk around the block, have a cup of tea, or call a friend. Then get back to work. One of my clients says he gives himself a “time out” by going to a café near work to just “sit and chill” for an hour. The key is to know when these days hit and take action by doing what works for you.

6. Practice relaxation exercises.

People with ADHD often live in a state of constant stress. It’s important to learn how to slow down and de-stress, both mentally and physically, at any given moment. Learn relaxation techniques and methods to center yourself at any given moment. Practice slow breathing techniques, or join a yoga or meditation class. If you are spiritual, make daily prayers a priority.

7. Give thanks.

One of my clients has made a habit of ending each day by writing down one thing for which she’s grateful. She does this right before bed each night as a way of reflecting on the day she’s just lived through, and a way of de-stressing before sleep. I’ve tried it, and I agree with her. It’s amazing how you can learn to accentuate the positive!

What do you do to keep yourself in balance? More strategies to come next month!

Warmly,

Nancy

Eight Strategies to Help You Get Moving

For many of us with ADHD, personal health is often a low priority. Lack of organizational skills and an inability to prioritize make it difficult to establish, implement, and maintain the necessary structures and routines to sustain good health habits over time. Things that seem simple for others—like getting enough physical exercise—become monumental tasks.

But exercise has such a positive effect on people with ADHD! Here are eight strategies that have helped me and many of the people I coach.

1. Do it for your brain’s sake! Knowing that exercise is good for your body is only half the story. Growing evidence shows the benefits of exercise to your brain. It’s simply foolhardy NOT to exercise these days with the amount of stress we endure, with or without ADHD. Forget about looking good. Make your goal feeling good!

2. Make it doable. All too often we set ourselves up for failure with goals that are way out of reach. If your goal is to exercise for one hour a day, seven days a week, don’t expect to fulfill that goal immediately. This “all or nothing” approach is a recipe for discouragement and failure. Be realistic and start slowly. The key is making the goal attainable, and to be able to do it on a regular basic.

3. Set a minimum and a maximum goal. Identify the absolute minimum you would require of yourself—say jogging one time per week. Next, identify the most realistic number of times per week you could jog, a number that you could reach without too much stress—say three times per week. Your exercise goal would then be jogging once a week, minimum, and three times a week, maximum. You’ll most likely meet your minimal weekly goal or even exceed the maximum goal. What a great feeling it is to exceed your personal goal!

4. Create accountability through partnerships. If you know that working in partnership works for you, and that doing things on your own doesn't, invest in a personal trainer. If you’re unable to do that, find other ways of accountability, like joining a running group or asking a friend who is a dedicated exerciser to join a class or gym with you. It’s sometimes harder to disappoint others than it is to disappoint ourselves.

5. Be prepared at all times. If you tend to skip exercising because of forgetting your gym bag, keep an extra one packed with exercise gear in the car and at your office, one that is always ready to go when you are. A personal favorite of mine is to sleep in my (clean) exercise clothes. When I wake up, I can’t escape remembering what I was going to do that morning—EXERCISE! I have my clothes on and I’m ready to go!

6. Keep a scorecard. Because the ADHD brain lives in the present, it’s easy to forget past accomplishments, even if they’re only a few days old. To combat this, make progress measurable by creating ways to track your progress. On the five days each week that he runs, for example, one of my clients writes on his calendar in black magic marker the number of miles he completes. Or you can use your calendar as a “scorecard.” Mark an "E-Y" (“Exercise-Yes”) on the days you exercise and an "E-N" (“Exercise-No”) on the days you don’t. The point is to see your progress and monitor whether or not you’re reaching your weekly and monthly goals. Essentially, you’re charting your own personal history of successes. The key is to make your tracking system visible and simple.

7. Adopt a “no excuses” attitude. Consider the time you have to exercise as an appointment with yourself and do not break it. When you travel, call ahead and find out the hours of the hotel gym. If you catch yourself negotiating with yourself about whether or not to exercise, stop and simply walk out the door to the gym. Even if you go for ten minutes, that’s a win.

8. Create flexible structures. I use a system of “structured flexibility” when it comes to exercise. It’s simple. I make sure I never miss more than two days in a row without exercising. I MUST go on that third day, no matter what. This guarantees me flexibility as well as exercising a minimum of two to three times per week without fail.

I hope these strategies will help you, too. If you have learned other strategies that work for you, please share them with the rest of us!

Warmly,
Nancy

Working Together When a Spouse or Partner Has ADHD

Does ADHD—your own or your partner's—impact your loving relationship with that person?

Tomorrow I will participate in an online Ask the Expert chat on the difficulties couples face when one or both of them have ADHD. I'll also offer strategies that can help improve the difficulties couples face when one or both of them have ADHD. The chat begins at 3 PM Eastern Standard Time and it's sponsored by CHADD and the National Resource Center on ADHD. To join, click here at about 2:45 and follow the instructions.

This short selection from my book, The Disorganized Mind, describes some of the things I've heard from clients.

Brad ran through a litany of his wife’s ADHD behavior when I asked him what living with her was like. “I have to prepare myself every time I walk in the house,” he said immediately. “It’s a perpetual soap opera. Will she be in tears because she hates herself today? Will she be laughing with a new best friend she just met at the market and dragged home? Will she even be home? Will there be smoke billowing from the kitchen from the latest dinner she’s burned? Will there even be dinner?” He often felt worn down by the patience her unpredictability required. “It’s hard not to lose it with her sometimes,” he said, “if you know what I mean.”

I do know. I’ve heard variations of his comments so often that I can almost write the script for them. “I communicate with him mostly by e-mail,” was how the wife of one client put it. “I’ve given up on expecting him to sit and have a conversation with me. He just gets up and walks out of the room. I swear I see his back more than his face!”

Even children weigh in on their parents’ ADHD. “I can understand how my parents got divorced,” one teenager told me, “but not how they got married in the first place. My dad is so normal but my mom is really crazy.” He was talking about his mother’s impulsive, distracted behavior, the way “she forgets things all the time, like me, even,” and the toll it had taken on the entire family.

Things don’t have to become intolerable. Families can learn to function, and function happily. Family members, like the individuals with ADHD themselves, can educate themselves and create strategies for coping. In many ways, it comes down to understanding and to expectations.

Even though they can appear self-absorbed and can definitely be exasperating to others, I have yet to meet anyone with ADHD who wants it that way. My clients haven’t wanted to use their ADHD as an excuse for inexcusable behavior, either. What they want is a way to work through the problems that their ADHD causes. They want family members to be there with them, everyone helping in whatever way possible to make the family unit strong. But just as families of those with physical diseases or addictions need advice and support from others in similar circumstances, people living with partners with ADHD also need to know how others cope.

Does any of this sound familiar? Has coaching helped? What strategies did you find helpful? Please share your stories!

Warmly,

Nancy