Feels Like Spring! Is it time to get organized?

Feels Like Spring!
Is it time to get organized?

Guest blog entry by Kathy Peterson

When I started coaching people with ADHD 15 years ago, I noticed that many of my clients struggled to get organized. I wanted to help them. Even though I have ADHD, too, getting organized is easy for me. It has been an important compensatory strategy for me in dealing with my attentional issues.

I realized that when my clients try to organize their physical environment, it is very helpful if I participate with them at their home or office. When we do this work together, my client learns organizing skills, which are best acquired by doing. After all, people with ADHD often learn best experientially.

Many people with ADHD find it hard to get and remain organized. Here’s why:

• They find it hard to manage time and tasks. They often leave items out on the counter, desk or floor to remind themselves of tasks that need to be done. Over time, this can lead to a very cluttered environment.
• They often multitask, which can lead to disorganization, especially in one’s office.
• They often move impulsively from task to task, never finishing any of them. Chaos can follow in their wake.
• Some grow up in a chaotic household, with one or both parents having ADHD and possibly substance abuse problems. They don’t know what it’s like to live in an organized environment.
• They often struggle to make decisions and follow through with plans. Indecision leads to disorganization and problems with clutter.

Another barrier to getting organized is “black and white” thinking: in other words, in order to be organized, all systems have to be perfect. A person with this mindset may alphabetize cooking spices and CDs, line up shoes neatly in the closet, and divide files into precise categories. The problem is rigid systems can be hard to follow. Organizational systems need to be simple and flexible in order to work over the long haul. It is important to find a middle ground, and not to strive for perfect order.

The point of organizing your space is to have it work for you. There isn’t one right way. The space should be easy to move around in, visually pleasing (based on your tastes), and tailored to the activities that take place there. You should be able to put things away easily and to find them at a moment’s notice.

One thing you should understand: Being disorganized is not a moral failing. Organizing is a skill that is easier for some to acquire than others. The good news is you can get help to learn these skills, and employ them to meet your needs, as well as those of coworkers and family.

Many people are ashamed about being unable to deal with clutter on their own. They often feel judged by others and judge themselves harshly for their deficiencies. I feel their pain. If you want to learn the skills that will help you get organized, you may need to work with a professional organizer. A good organizer will not only help you reduce the clutter but also help you overcome your feelings of being judged.

You and the organizer are a team. As you sort through the clutter, the organizer helps you figure out which things you value and want to keep in your life. This can take many hours over several weeks. During this process, you and the professional organizer will establish new organizing systems. You will practice new ways of doing things between organizing sessions, and the organizer will check in with you on how systems are working. The organizer will also modify the systems, if they are not working.

Here’s how the organizer-client relationship works:

Step 1: As you work with an organizer, she will want to understand the following:

• What is the goal? What has precipitated your desire to get organized? How do you want to use this space? Create a vision for the desired result, in terms of function and appearance.
• What systems are working—and not working? Often one can’t tell by just looking at the space how functional it is. Some spaces look great when you walk in, but then you discover that things have been jammed into drawers and closet shelves to get them out of the way. The reverse can be true, too.
• What factors contributed to the disorganization?
• What have you done to get organized, and with what results?
• What are your preferences for visual stimulation? Many people feel that if things are put away in drawers and behind closet doors that they have gone missing. For them, if it’s out of sight, it’s out of mind. However, leaving everything in view is often too stimulating and makes it difficult for the client to focus. Others find that a simple, calm visual environment works best for them.

Step 2: Now you and the organizer are ready to dive in and work through the clutter—papers, clothing, and objects of all kinds. You start in one room, or a small corner of one room, and sort the mess into a few broad categories: Keep, Donate, Throw Away. The organizer doesn’t push you to get rid of things at this point. You may eventually discover that you have many of the same items—10 pairs of black slacks or a dozen snow shovels—and the organizer may suggest you keep only your favorites.

It takes time to go through accumulated stuff, but client and organizer learn a lot as they do it. The team works on chunks of the project at a time, so that they can put things away in between sessions. Also, if you are ready and willing, the organizer will identify tasks you can do on your own to speed the process along and save money.

Step 3: Once you know what stuff you want to keep, you and the organizer think about function. The goal is to store things close to where they are used, making it easy to access and put them away. In some cases, you may need to purchase furniture or containers for storing items. It is best to know what you want to store, and where, before doing so.

Step 4: You and the organizer may label and/or create routines to support you in maintaining your newly organized space. Maintaining your space with the systems that have been put in place is important. During the weeks of working together with an organizer, the client practices putting things away and using systems and routines for the flow of items and information. If needed, the organizer will improve the systems and routines to help them work even better for you. An ADHD coach may help you with accountability, and you may schedule maintenance sessions with your organizer.

To get organized, your first step is to acknowledge that disorganization is causing problems, and that you are willing to work on finding solutions. There is hope. With effort on your part and by partnering with a professional organizer—possibly in combination with a coach—you can learn the skills to de-clutter your life.

ABOUT KATHY PETERSON

Kathy Peterson has been coaching adults and college students with ADHD since 1994. She also works as a professional organizer with a small number of clients. Kathy has a BS degree from Columbia University. Kathy had a successful career in corporate sales and marketing before becoming a coach. Kathy received life coach training from the Coaches Training Institute (CTI), and ADHD coach training from the National Coaching Network with Nancy Ratey and Sue Sussman, co-founders of the ADHD coaching field. She lives and works in the Boston area.
For more information visit www.petersoncoaching.com .

RESOURCES

To find a professional organizer near you, contact:

National Study Group on Chronic Disorganization (NSGCD; www.nsgcd.org)

National Association of Professional Organizers (NAPO; www.napo.net )

Books to Read

ADD Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life, by Judith Kolberg and Kathleen Nadeau, Ph.D.

Conquering Chronic Disorganization, by Judith Kolberg

Jumping Jack: How Coaching Can Help Curb Impulsivity

Jumping Jack: How Coaching Can Help Curb Impulsivity

Jack told his friends he left his corporate job as a salesman to start his own business, but the truth was that he was fired for swearing at his boss. This was not the first time he had done something like this. In fact, he lost several jobs for cursing or telling someone off. Although he was always seen as a valued employee for his out-of-the-box thinking, his impulsive behaviors undercut the company’s high opinion of his abilities.

Impulsivity and erratic behavior also took a toll on his personal relationships. His friends no longer invited him over for get-togethers, fearing that he would insult their spouses or say something outrageous in front of their kids. Jack’s wife was at her wit’s end. She was tired of all his excuses for losing jobs and friendships. But mostly, she was fed up with his unpredictable behavior. Jack’s litany of “I’m sorry’s” didn’t cut it for her any more.

Jack’s impulsivity affected every facet of his life—he jumped from project to project, task to task, and acted on thoughts that just popped in his head. If he drove past Home Depot, for example, he would stop and shop, thinking, “I wonder if there is a sale on lumber? I’ve wanted to build a deck for years!”

To a person without ADHD, Jack’s story might seem made up or exaggerated. Believe me, it isn’t. Such impulsivity is a challenge for many of my ADHD coaching clients. Jack might exhibit impulsivity differently than some other clients, but the consequences and outcomes are the same—the pain of feeling out of control.

Jack sought my coaching services shortly after his son was diagnosed with ADHD. Jack noticed that he struggled with some of the same behaviors as his son. He also saw that medication helped his son manage his symptoms. Jack’s wife, Linda, suggested Jack talk to a specialist about his challenges. After an evaluation, Jack was diagnosed with ADHD. His doctor advised that he work with a coach, along with taking ADHD medication, to learn strategies to improve his focus and to stay in control.

In the initial coaching intake, Jack told me that he knew ADHD was causing his struggles, yet he didn’t know how to stop himself before he, as he describes it, “jumped” into the fire. Although impulsivity can be one of the most difficult ADHD symptoms to manage, medication and coaching can be effective in helping a client take control of them. Acknowledging that there is a problem—and having a strong desire to change—is a key component to making progress.

Jack found it difficult to admit that his impulsivity was a problem. It was part of what had made him such a successful salesman: He was a risk taker and a dynamo, pushing forward to close the deal when others would hesitate. He also saw himself as a “truth teller.” He told me, “Hey, I told my boss he was an idiot because he was making a bad business decision!” As we talked, Jack realized that insulting his boss, no matter how true his words, was never a good move. He desperately wanted to learn ways to be more aware of, and to better manage, the negative aspects of his impulsivity.

Medication gave Jack the ability to slow down and to take stock of what he was doing before acting rashly. But he needed strategies to stop himself long enough to consider alternative actions—to consistently control his impulses.

Many coaching strategies can help clients accomplish this, but as with all successful client-coach relationships, those strategies need to come from the client. Jack and I discussed in detail the situations in which he acted impulsively, and we developed strategies to do slow down and to evaluate the potential consequences of his actions.

It’s important to remember that coaching is not one size fits all, so what worked for Jack might not work for you.

1) One of the keys to reining in impulsivity is being able to self-observe. Jack came up with the idea of going through the day as if a camera were monitoring him. He called it his “third eye.” This helped him to be more conscious of his actions.

2) Jack also discovered that using a mantra helped him slow down. During the day he would say to himself, “Do not engage.” Or he’d ask himself, “What will the consequences of my actions be?” or “Is this what I really want to be doing right now?” This allowed him to stop for a second and evaluate the potential consequences of his actions—getting fired, getting divorced, offending a friend.

3) To curb his urge to “do it now,” he learned to park his thought. He would write down the thought he was about to act on in a notebook, or he would text it to himself on his cell phone or call in to his voice mail. This simple act of writing or calling helped him from acting rashly.

4) Jack frequently flew off the handle when talking with friends or colleagues. To prevent flare-ups, I suggested he form a “committee of trusted advisors” to whom he could vent—in person or on the phone. This allowed him to get over his impulsive anger without feeling the need to follow through on actions.

5) Through discussion, Jack and I were able to identify some of the triggers of his impulsivity—instances in which someone didn’t see things his way would upset him—and put plans in place for alternative actions. He realized that taking a short break—a brief walk or a trip to the men’s room—gave him the time to reconsider what to do—or not do.

Over time, and through continued accountability to me, Jack learned to stop, create space between his thoughts and his actions, and consider the consequences. He also learned to remember the pain that his impulsive actions had caused him in the past and to keep his goal in mind: to be more in control of his impulsive behaviors and eventually to learn to manage them himself.

Until next time!

Warmly, Nancy

Mining for Motivation

Guest blog entry by Ose Schwab

Do you have a hard time getting yourself to do something you know you should or want to do? Do you forget your goal or let overwhelm dim your desire? You are in good company.

Many of my clients, intelligent adults with ADHD, struggle to access the drive that will get them started and keep them going. Even with a compelling goal, they forget, feel overwhelmed, get discouraged, or shift their attention to more immediate rewards.

One such client – we’ll call him Steve – came to me for help to be more productive at work and to publish a book. Steve wanted to write about his experience with depression. He felt distant from this goal and did not schedule time to write. Steve also confessed that he wasted time at work. Projects languished in lieu of urgent requests from colleagues. He checked the Internet too often. Overall, Steve felt frustrated with his performance and lack of motivation.

Another client, a college student I’ll call Joe, also struggled with motivation. He came to me out of desperation. He had almost failed the previous semester and his parents were looking to me to “fix him.” The winter semester was at hand, and he was scared he would procrastinate away his last chance of parent-paid tuition.

Joe and Steve needed some help to hone their drive and remove obstacles from forward momentum. To this end I began to mine for motivation by asking them questions.

Questions stimulate thought, feeling, and action. Questions activate neural pathways in the brain. They clarify your desire and understanding of self. Questions can remind you of past successes. They inform your plans with understanding. Questions help you design sustainable drive that will help you fulfill your goals.

What do you want?

Motivation that sustains you is internal – that is – born of autonomy, mastery, and purpose. It starts with desire. Successful adults with ADHD and/or learning disabilities have desire. They want to achieve something meaningful. They want to be successful in their own way. To access desire, ask yourself the question, “What do I want?”

Joe and Steve had to reframe outside expectations and goals into language that they could respond to. Joe, my college student, knew he did not want to relive the agony of isolation and shame he had experienced during the semester prior. However, he had not given thought to what he wanted out of college. He said he wanted to do well if he was going to be there. He also said he wanted to figure out how he might be able to use his particular inclinations – though still relatively undefined. Talking about this helped him to clarify a short-term goal. Joe decided he was going to strive for all A's by handing in assignments on time, attending every class, and reaching out for relationships.

Steve was sure he wanted to write a book about his experience with depression. Further discussion about this project allowed him to connect with its importance. He felt more strongly about it than work, but considered that there might be ways of weaving this project into work.

He told his boss about the book. This bridged work to book. He also began to consider ways that work could equip him to complete the book. In addition, he considered other people at work he could talk to about the project. This gave life to the day-to-day-grind he often felt.

Steve reframed work projects using words that resonated with his values. For Steve, an idealist, it was important to consider how these projects could help people in meaningful ways. Reframing the work helped motivation to increase. Steve’s attitude and focus subsequently improved.

What excites you?

Individuals with ADHD need the right balance of stimulation to experience optimum motivation. Too much can lead to overload or shutdown. Too little starves it. Boredom will tempt quick fix stimulation to distract you away from the goal.

Asking what excites you can help inform what plans you need to make to keep the motivation flowing. Steve loves the thought of hope. His book is about hope. Talking and thinking about it is a thrill. Overcomers’ stories; words of inspiration; reminders of how people struggle – these fuel his desire to work on it.

Joe remembered his participation in a project to help a rural family build a house. Last to leave, first to arrive on the site, Joe exhibited motivation. Why? He likes to help people. Doing a job well is cool. He likes to see progress. Joe also loves to work with his hands.

What do you know?

Knowing what makes you tick informs the best plan. Your plans benefit from the understanding of ADHD brain wiring as well. Such information can help you consider your challenges objectively, without judgment. Then you can apply creative strategies that combine self-awareness with ADHD understanding.

Steve shared that he had been successful at maintaining motivation to train for and run a marathon. He had never run one before. With careful preparation and planning, he designed a practice schedule that he kept to. Steve now uses this achievement as a model to learn from and apply to the current book project.

He also understands the power of distraction and the challenge to get started. Even if connected with the goal, Steve automatically categorizes next steps as “required tasks.” They take on the stigma of being uninteresting.

Difficulty carrying out “uninteresting” tasks is typical for individuals with ADHD. A recent study offers a neurological explanation as to why some individuals do not feel satisfied to complete non-interesting activities – less dopamine along the reward pathways. Steve knows he needs to compensate with strategic cues, accountability, or other external reinforcement.

What do you need?

Discovering what you need starts with observation. The best observations are judgment free. Think of your observing eye as if it belongs to an alien who has never been to earth. Don’t assume, just notice.

In addition to observation, knowledge that can feed your understanding of ADHD also informs need. Discover how the brain works. Glean tips from professionals and others with ADHD.

Pulling it all together requires reflection. And with reflection, Steve realized he needs doses of inspiration administered throughout his week. He realizes the need for specificity in his plan – to have very concrete steps laid out and ready for action at the allotted time.

Joe also identified his need for a specific plan to follow each week. He needs to know where and when he will study. He needs understanding and validation for his integrity. It helps to be accountable. And he knows he needs to get out of the apartment and study at the library sometimes.

What can you do now?

Research suggests that the brain registers thought about action the same way it registers the action itself. This means that you can pave the neural way (so to speak) for your intentions. You can think concretely about a task to get your mental juices flowing. And doing this will increase motivation to complete the action.

Inspired by the book “Art of Possibility,” Steve wrote a letter dated end of 2010. He wrote to me about the successful completion of his book. The letter contains details of celebration dinners, contact with a publishing house, and the steps undertaken throughout the year. The process of writing the letter helped Steve connect with what completing the book will be like. It also helped him identify milestones to the completion.

Right now, Steve is more excited about the book project than ever. He receives sporadic emails of entries from various blogs. He has a detailed plan for January, which includes mapping out milestones for the year much like his marathon plan. Steve knows what to do now. And he is doing it.

Joe just finished the fourth semester of mostly A’s. He feels more confident and excited about his direction. He clarified his desire to pursue petroleum engineering and continues to look forward to overseas work experiences as he winds up his last year of college. His parents are proud and marvel at the motivation he exhibits at school and in the home.

Do you know what you want? If not, ask yourself some questions. And if you know what you want, connect with what excites and stimulates you to action. That stimulation will keep you going. And as long as you plan in accordance with what you know about yourself and the challenges you face, you will be able to strategically inject excitement and impetus to carry forward actions that support what you want. Your days, weeks, months, and years of your life will be driven by the kind of energy that connects with the heart of who you are and what you want.

For more information:

“Art of Possibility” by Benjamin and Rosamund Zander. A short book about possibility. It claims you can paint your own reality. Possibility exists to the extent you can imagine it.

“Drive” by Daniel Pink. This book explores the source of motivation from the perspective of economic, social science, and biological research. Pink makes a plea to the business world to act on the knowledge of motivation that exists.

"Exceeding Expectations," by Henry B. Reiff, Paul J. Gerber, Rick Ginsberg. Book reporting research of successful adults with ADHD and/or learning disabilities.

“Finding your Focus Zone” by Lucy Jo Palladino, PhD. This book explores ways to maximize attention and motivation with ADHD.

“Evaluating Dopamine Reward Pathway in ADHD” by Nora D. Volkow, MD; Gene-Jack Wang, MD; Scott H. Kollins, PhD; Tim L. Wigal, PhD; Jeffrey H. Newcorn, MD; Frank Telang, MD; Joanna S. Fowler, PhD; Wei Zhu, PhD; Jean Logan, PhD; Yeming Ma, PhD; Kith Pradhan, MS; Christopher Wong, MS; James M. Swanson, PhD . http://www2.mc.duke.edu/depts/psychiatry/adhd/myweb/documents/Volkowetal_2009_JAMABrainconnection.pdf Abstract of research that concluded, “A reduction in dopamine synaptic markers associated with symptoms of inattention was shown in the dopamine reward pathway of participants with ADHD.”

ADHD Brain discussion offered by John Ratey. Podcast from Brain Science Podcast Forum. http://www.docartemis.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?fid=03&topic_id=1220915839


Ose Schwab of Potentia Vita has been coaching adults and college students for over three years. She lives and works in the Boston area. She believes that individuals with ADHD are an untapped treasure that when mined will help our world solve problems and thrive. To follow her blog "Shift Forward", visit http://potentiavita.com/shiftforward.

STAY CONNECTED WITH YOUR ADHD PARTNER!

Maintaining and sustaining an intimate relationship is difficult for anyone. It can be more challenging if one or both partners have ADHD. When a spouse is constantly distracted or can’t slow down enough to pay attention to his or her partner’s needs, it often leads to relationship meltdowns.

The majority of my clients have marital problems. Clients wind up at my coaching door because their significant other has given them an ultimatum: “Get help for your ADHD or else!” At this stage, uncontrolled ADHD symptoms are not only jeopardizing their relationship but also their job and sometimes their health.

As I’ve said many times before, a client must want to be coached in order to be helped by the process. He or she can’t be forced to change. Frankly, though, I’ve never had a client with relationship problems who doesn’t want to make changes to improve his or her marriage.

When one spouse has ADHD and the other doesn’t, I often invite the non-ADHD partner, with the permission of my client, to give me feedback about how ADHD plays out in their life. When both have ADHD, problems can be compounded. Impulsivity and distractibility can cause fights and tear couples apart. Each person feels angry, humiliated, frustrated, and misunderstood. Partners can end up not trusting one another and, as a result, they feel disconnected and resentful.

No matter who has the ADHD, here are a few simple principles that couples can use to promote understanding and healthy relationships.

Nurturing the Marriage

Each person must take responsibility for his or her own actions—or lack thereof. In other words, the person with ADHD can’t use the condition as an excuse, and the non-ADHD partner must learn as much as he or she can about ADHD to understand how it affects his or her spouse. A relationship can’t survive—never mind thrive—if one partner blames another for things that are out of his control. The better option is to look for ways to nurture the relationship. Like choosing your fights. Each partner should ask, Does X, Y, or Z contribute to the growth of our relationship, or does it tear it down? If it doesn’t nurture it, agree to let it go.

Cathy felt like she was married to a ghost. When she tried to talk with her husband, Roger, about her needs, he would walk away, interrupt, or check his iPhone. Cathy, feeling alone and isolated, would stomp out of the room in frustration. When she confronted her husband about tuning her out when she wanted to talk, he would yell back, “Why does it always have to be about you?”

Through coaching, they came to understand that it wasn’t about Cathy or Roger, but about their relationship. By viewing their marriage as a third entity—as something that needs love and care to grow—they were able to slow down and listen to one another. They also realized that blaming one another and fighting over small stuff was only tearing down themselves and their 15-year marriage.

Reinforce with Praise

I remember getting a call from Sally, the wife of one of my clients, Bob. She was at her wit’s end and told me she was going to leave Bob. The trigger for such an extreme move? The Sunday newspaper. After reading it, her husband continually left the sections scattered all over the living room floor.

Bob and I developed strategies to help him to remember to pick up the paper and throw it away, instead of leaving it strewn in the living room and kitchen. Wanting to please Sally, he also decided, for the first time in their 20-year marriage, to pick up his clothes off the bedroom floor. He did this for a month without a syllable of praise from her. Yet the minute he blew it and left the newspaper on the floor again, she started yelling at him. He felt defeated, as if all his efforts were for nothing.

I found it hard to bite my tongue when Sally didn’t acknowledge Bob’s efforts. Looking at the relationship from her perspective, she was waiting for “the other shoe to drop.” She was so used to Bob reverting to old behaviors that she could focus only on his mistakes. Meanwhile, Bob became more discouraged.

ADHD is not an excuse, but if your partner is trying to change his behaviors, acknowledge it and encourage him or her. Praise is a tonic for persons with ADHD, who often have had a lifetime of shame and blame. Look for instances when your spouse is doing something right versus something wrong. Non-ADHD spouses should try to remember that change and progress might take a lot longer due to the wiring of the ADHD brain.

Plan Time Together

Schedule date nights and don’t skip them—no matter what. Make that commitment and stick to it. Time away will help you not only distance yourself from the day-to-day madness, but will also allow you to remember what you loved about each other when you first met. Always keep the door open for intimacy.

Eliminate Toxic Interactions

When one partner has ADHD, taking care of the details of daily living can often be the source of tension between a couple. It typically goes like this: The non-ADHD spouse asks the ADHD person to do something—pick up a few things at the grocery or change a light bulb. But because of ADHD symptoms, the request is never fulfilled. This type of dynamic almost led Craig and Beth to get divorced. Craig would tell Beth that he was going to fix something around the house, but he didn’t do it. After weeks of frustration, Beth’s anger would start to build and inevitably she would blow up.

I worked with them to create new strategies of communication, because it was clear to me that they couldn’t talk without hidden resentments emerging. I suggested that they use a notebook to list and check off tasks that needed to be done. Other suggestions included hanging up a white board or using Google Calendar, which allowed them to communicate without bitterness or anger.

Have a Sense of Humor!

I’ve had many clients say to me, “I feel that my partner just tolerates me these days. I wish he would embrace me for who I am—all of me—like he used to. He used to think my quirks were cute! Now I feel ashamed and demeaned.”

While it’s important not to use ADHD as an excuse, it’s equally important to see the humor in some of the behaviors it causes. For instance, I would avoid doing work by moving furniture. Thank goodness my husband never cared. He said it felt like he was coming home to a new house each day! It might have driven someone else nuts, but we still laugh about it.

Happy holidays and have a wonderful New Year!

Talk to you all soon!

Warmly,

Nancy

P.S. I’ve invited my dear friend and colleague, Ose Schwab, to be a guest blogger next month. She will blog about how to start out the New Year right. I know for one, I will be excited to read her post!

A Coaching Story: Meet Connie

No matter how long you’ve been coaching, how expert you are, or how much training you’ve had, you sometimes talk with a prospective client and a little voice in your head says, “Who are you kidding? You can’t help this person!” For me, that client was Connie, who called to see if I could help her turn around her life.

Connie was animated on the phone. We chatted for a while and laughed about some of the struggles we share, thanks to our AD/HD: For instance, thinking we could drop off dry cleaning and mail packages as we rushed out the door in the morning, when we were already late. We connected immediately.

Connie was an executive in an advertising firm before getting married. Now she was a stay-at-home mom with five children ranging in age from 5 to 16. I couldn’t imagine how hard her life must be. My own struggles—trying to stay organized every day while caring for two dogs—seemed smaller in comparison.

Connie was upbeat initially, but as the conversation wore on, she confessed that she felt beaten down by life. She was depressed and anxious. Fighting back tears, she said she had recently read entries in her journal about things she wanted to change—to be on time and more organized, to exercise regularly, and to spend more time with friends and family. She wrote the entries several years ago. Nothing had changed.

“How could I have been so successful in my corporate job and fall apart at home?” she asked me. Even though she had been happily married for 20 years, her relationship, lately, had become rocky because of her AD/HD. Connie’s husband didn’t understand why she was unable to finish a task when she had all day to do it. He couldn’t understand why she was disorganized—being late when picking up the kids and misplacing her keys several times a week.

I started to feel Connie’s pain. I kept thinking to myself, “How can I help her if I haven’t walked in her large shoes? I have two dogs; she has five children.” One thing I could relate to was Connie’s feeling of being overwhelmed. I understood how AD/HD impacted her life, and I believed I could help her. We decided we were a good match, set up an appointment, and started the coaching process.

In the initial intake meeting, we had a one-hour in-depth conversation where we started to identify Connie’s struggles and challenges: the inability to prioritize her activities, keep track of time, and structure her day. Connie learned that these challenges were caused by her AD/HD, not by her lack of discipline or effort. At one point, she blurted out, “You mean some of this is my AD/HD? I thought I was just lazy!”

Understanding that her AD/HD was the source of her problems stopped her from judging and blaming herself. It was as if a light switch had been turned on. Only then were we able to develop strategies that would allow her to, finally, make changes in her life. For the first time, I could hear a glimmer of hope in her voice. “There is a good reason why I keep repeating mistakes. Coaching can really help me make the changes I’ve tried so hard to make on my own.”

We compared her success in the workplace with her challenges at home. Why did she excel at the office and fall apart at home? After some probing, we discovered that Connie thrived at her job because her responsibilities were clear-cut and her day was structured. She didn’t have structure at home. Her children attended school, and her husband worked. She was often alone all day.

We decided to add the missing ingredient—structure—to her day. We started with something pressing in her life. Guests were visiting next weekend, and she had to get the house in order. We agreed that her goal for the upcoming week would be to neaten up the house in preparation for those guests. How would she accomplish it?

“In my eyes, everything seems important,” said Connie. “There’s paperwork I’ve been wanting to get to for three years that all of a sudden seems urgent to complete! But yet guests are coming. I’m so confused! Where do I start?”

I had her make two lists: a priority list for all the things she needed to do to prep the house for the guests and another labeled “Do Next Week,” for tasks she could tackle after they left. She put the latter list in a file folder on her desk. By listing tasks on her priority list—and breaking those tasks down into achievable actions—she built confidence that she could keep moving forward.

To help her accomplish the tasks on her priority list, we devised ways for her to organize her day and to better track time. We went over her weekly schedule and identified “open zones”—periods where she had time to accomplish tasks. Her goal was to slot a task from her priority list into an open zone. For example, make up the bed in the guest room, vacuum upstairs, clean the kitchen sink. She set her cell phone to beep every hour, so she could “hear” the passage of time and check in with herself to see if she was on track. Connie also e-mailed me during the day to let me know what she had accomplished. This motivated her to do more.

There were slip-ups. When Connie checked in with me by phone every week, she admitted her miscues. “This sure isn’t easy! I found myself off track many times. I began to see how I would negotiate with myself. I’d say, ‘It’s OK, Connie, if you play solitaire on the computer for a few minutes.’ I wound up playing for hours. My cell phone would beep every hour, and it helped get me back on track. But, I admit, there were a few times when I ignored it! I’m learning, though.”

We found that the weekly check-ins by phone worked well for Connie. We would identify daily priorities, and divide them into doable pieces. We also came up with ways for her to be accountable. Connie slowly began to make progress. She became more confident and self-reliant, and her family was able to depend on her.

As the weeks went by, we addressed Connie’s other goals—exercising, socializing more with friends, and spending time with her family. “For the first time in my life, I actually do what I say I am going to do,” Connie told me. “I see where my AD/HD gets in my way, and I have strategies to work around it. I have hope I can live a happy, more satisfying life. I see light at the end of the tunnel!”

Connie’s success underscores the foundation of coaching: It is a dynamic, evolving process that takes time to work. The client must be prepared to work hard and to establish a productive partnership with the coach. I’m still working with Connie; she—as we all are—is a work in progress. She is making positive strides, and she is improving with each session. I am so glad I didn’t give into that little voice of mine.

Until next time,
Warmly,
Nancy

Daily Living Challenges for Adults: How a Coach Can Help

“Never confuse motion for action.”
—Thomas Jefferson

For people with AD/HD, the concept of time is fluid, even immeasurable. If you want to accomplish the tasks necessary to live a normal fulfilling life, you have to develop the ability to manage activities within time constraints. This has obvious repercussions in arenas like school and work, but what about in daily life? What deadlines await you there? Well, you have to pay the bills on time, keep your living space clean and neat, wash dishes, do laundry and buy groceries. These are the activities of daily life that often trip up people with AD/HD. A coach can help you manage these tasks through something called "structured flexibility."

Developing and keeping to daily structures is often one of the hardest things for people with AD/HD to do. Every day you must be ready to start the routine all over again. People with AD/HD know they need organization in their lives, yet tend to avoid it. However, it is possible to introduce too many structures into your life. Often the hunt for the right system can be a distraction itself. Some people fear they will get bored doing the same thing each day and therefore avoid any kind of regular arrangement of tasks.

A coach can help you chunk down your daily business into do-able, manageable pieces, encouraging you along the way, so that you maintain attention and follow through no matter how boring it might seem. A coach helps you establish routines to ritualize such tasks and reduce the burden. Some of the core daily living patterns stressed in coaching include:
Better sleeping patterns
Exercise programs
Healthy eating
Personal appearance
Planning time to de-stress and relax
General establishment of daily routines and rituals to accomplish daily tasks.

Let’s look at an example from the story of one of my clients.

Sonya zooms from one household chore to another but doesn't finish any of them. While cleaning her kitchen she sees the piled-up laundry. So she puts a load into the washer and then starts folding the clean load that's been sitting in the dryer, but she never gets back to the kitchen. Sonya is always tired and run down because she is a slave to her environment. She's not in control of her tasks. They control her.

Sonya's coach sees that she needs to systematize and prioritize her jobs so that she isn't trying to do everything all at once. The coach helps her do this by setting up certain days when she does laundry, pays bills, cleans the kitchen, etc. She posts notes around the house as a strategy to remind herself when to do what job. This works because Sonya responds so readily to her environment.

However, when her fiancé visits for the weekend, Sonya panics when she sees that her pile of dirty clothes (which she had been used to laundering regularly) is missing on Sunday morning. As she frantically begins to search for them, her fiancé walks in with the laundry basket. Baffled, Sonya asks, "What are you doing?" He responds, "What do you mean? I was simply following your instructions! You wrote notes, 'DO DISHES ON SATURDAY!' 'DO LAUNDRY ON SUNDAY!'" In this circumstance one might say that Sonya's strategy well exceeded her expectations!

Daily success for the adult with AD/HD means not confusing motion with action. It means ordering your life so that each part of it is clearly delineated and broken down into steps. The effect of AD/HD on the multitude of personal tasks that each of us must complete every day can be insidious. When we can’t get up and get to work on time, when we’re feeling stressed and rushed due to poor time management, when we forget to take care of our bodies and souls because we over-focus on work or school, our quality of life erodes. The inability to establish patterns of daily living can eat away at our confidence, self-esteem and performance.

Some of the most common issues addressed in coaching adults concerns establishing habits and daily rituals to make each day more livable. You may be able to develop systems to organize yourself at the office, but if you neglect to pay your bills on time, or forget to go to the grocery store, or if you’re always losing your keys, then all of your hard work in other areas may not be enough to help you establish and maintain balance. A coach experienced with training the AD/HD brain can help you meet daily challenges head-on. By checking in with her on a daily or weekly basis you will learn to perform to the best of your ability without moving aimlessly, wasting precious energy.

The very nature of AD/HD predicts that the brain's executive function is not working well enough; therefore, planning ahead, prioritizing and following through is hard. Things that other people take for granted are often a real struggle for people with ADD/LD. Paying bills, getting enough sleep, taking your medication consistently, and keeping your home clean are simply matters of course for most, but for people with ADD/LD, they can present as much of a difficulty as a long-term project at work.

If you have AD/HD, daily time management and organization are obstacles to living effectively. To move beyond these obstacles you must establish routines for recurring activities like getting up, going to bed, grocery shopping, doing the laundry, etc. The mundane tasks in life seem so simple on the surface, but have you ever stopped to think how many steps are involved with something as seemingly straightforward as doing them? For example, stop and think how many steps are involved in paying your bills.

These issues are often skeletons in the closets of people with LD and ADD. The career woman who appears to be at the top of her game at work may feel she’s leading a double life. She may shine in the boardroom, but have piles of papers to the ceiling of her dining room. The feelings of shame and the amount of energy that is drained trying to fix or feeling guilty about not being able to fix daily life details is immense. A coach can help you gradually establish patterns and routines that can give you a sense of control and well being in your daily life. You will develop your brain's executive function and become the boss of your own life. By learning to organize, plan, and prioritize, using strategies that you and your coach create, you can clear the hurdles of daily living with success and confidence.

Change is hard. Altering or eliminating old habits and patterns is never fun or easy. Worse, the job of trying to replace old destructive behaviors or habits with new healthy ones takes a lot of time, effort and persistence. If you have AD/HD no one has to tell you that making things stick is hard. Chances are you have struggled many times to develop new habits but simply gave up after repeated attempts. Negative tapes and the constant voices of criticism prevail over your efforts.

Why can’t you just keep a to-do list? Why are you so disorganized? Just hang your keys on a hook and you won’t lose them anymore! Can’t you just pick up your room and clean your desk for once? For the person with AD/HD it is more a matter of losing hope than lack of effort to change. Because of how the AD/HD brain functions, there is often an inability to maintain a steady, consistent course of action long enough to establish it as habit. All too often, what started out as a new commitment, a new challenge, slips off into the distant crevices of your brain, gets clouded over and disappears.

A coach understands this on again, off again tendency and will talk with you to discover where and how you slip off the road. In conjunction with a coach you can isolate the warning signs to alert you that you are straying from the road, and you can discover strategies to sustain attention long enough to follow through on a course of action. Keeping the entire goal in mind and sustaining motivation to completion are the keys to success. Regular contact with your coach will help you accomplish what you set out to do. You can slowly build a history of successfully meeting your goals, thereby learning self-reliance.

Due to the neurobiology peculiar to AD/HD individuals, change can be harder than normal. Sticking to one course of action can be a particular challenge as well. If a coach does not know better, they may see the symptoms of AD/HD masquerading as resistance, denial, passive aggressive behavior and so on. A coach needs to understand AD/HD to effectively coach client make necessary changes. This means not judging their slips and slides, but rather, helping them to better understand how their neurobiology gets in the way and what they can do about it.

The level of self-observation necessary to work with a coach in the process of filling the potholes in personal behavior helps the client to be engaged in creating strategies, thereby forcing them to use their brain to develop critical thinking skills. This is the power of coaching! The strategies stick because you came up with them! You understand where they emanate from, so you know how to bridge them. You can stop the self-blame and demystify how you get off track. Knowledge is power! You are the driver who knows where the potholes are and which way to swerve to avoid them.

Nancy

The AD/HD Coaching Model: An Interactive Approach for Positive Change

In previous blogs I’ve mentioned that the primary goal of AD/HD coaching is to help individuals with AD/HD self-initiate change in their daily lives. To that end, I’ve developed a model for AD/HD coaching. It’s built on three core principles – Partnership, Structure, and Process. In combination these three elements enable the coaching process to take form and shape. No one element stands alone—it is the synergy of the three working together that create the coaching dynamic.

Let’s take a closer look at each component:

Partnership: By co-engineering a partnership with the coach, the client takes charge of the process, customizes the service to meet their needs, and develops a user-friendly partnership to motivate and move them forward. The client thus plays a central role in molding and shaping the dynamics of the coaching process.

Structure: Coaching establishes both internal and external strength-based structures to improve a client’s ability to focus and channel their abilities toward achieving set goals. Structuring takes the client repeatedly through steps such as attending to details, planning, organizing, and prioritizing, allowing the client to essentially “fake it 'til they make it.”

Process: Through a process of inquiry, the coach guides the client through self-exploration and learning. The coach poses non-judgmental questions to assist the client in analyzing the situation at hand and work toward an achievable resolution. The focus is on problem solving and being in action. The client thus becomes empowered and more willing to take ownership of his or her actions or lack of actions, as a result of discovering their own solutions.

HOW COACHING HELPED JUNE

June represents a typical client who comes to me for coaching services. She is married with two kids. She has recently been diagnosed with AD/HD and learned about coaching through a local AD/HD support group. In our initial intake she said she has been disorganized and distracted as long as she can remember. She said she is always late to pick up her kids from school and to other appointments, forgets to pay the bills, looses her keys regularity, and finds herself rearranging the dishes in cupboards or doing “anything else but” her priority tasks. Her husband has threatened to leave her if she doesn’t become more responsible, and her kids have learned to not depend on her when she makes promises to them. She is desperate and feels that she has tried everything. She told me she has read countless self-help books on time management and organization, but is not able to consistently apply the concepts.

Since her diagnosis she has been taking medication for her AD/HD. She said it helps “if only I can remember to take it!” She also has been seeing a therapist regularly to deal with her feelings of being a failure as a wife and a mother. She said it’s helped her with her emotions, but she still struggles with trying to change her daily habits and behavior.

It was clear that June was experiencing difficulties in a variety of different areas due to her AD/HD. Together, through the coaching process, we identified a couple areas she wanted to work on immediately: Her ability to measure time and prioritizing tasks – namely her ability to assign and direct her attention to the most important tasks for that day and to complete them in a timely manner and, her ability to self-monitor.

Below are a few examples of how we worked together. Remember, coaching is very individualized and tailored to each client’s needs, so what worked for June might or might not work for everyone!

• Measuring time and prioritizing tasks: By talking out actions and plans with me on a bi-weekly basis over the phone June was able to identify what her top priorities were for each day. We designated start and stop times for working on her priorities and created accountability around completion of them through e-mail check-ins. Independent of me, June also used a timer and created a "time card" for her-self on her computer so she would "clock-in" to work, so to speak, and "clock-out" for each task.

• Self-monitoring: June would log in a journal what she did each day. In our phone check-ins she would report to me events that had happened during the week. We would review instances where she felt she had made bad choices, for example, attempting to run several errands on the way to pick up her kids when she was already over 45 minutes late!

By analyzing these occurrences, June was able to self-reflect and talk-through possible alternative courses of actions. She then "programmed" me to keep reminding her of her tendency to get distracted by non-important tasks. I would do reality checks with her by saying: "Remember, June, you tend to fool yourself into thinking that in the moment it’s important to rearrange the cupboards or stop run five errands on your way to pick up your kids– how can you keep yourself focused?"

Also, by tracking her medication intake more closely she was able to become more aware of how she behaved on and off medication and to be more aware of the warning signs of when it was wearing off. We designated specific times to take her medication as directed by her doctor and set her wristwatch as well as her cell phone to beep when she needed to take her next dose.

June’s direct involvement in the creation of strategies, including designing the coaching partnership itself, maintained her interest and motivated her to change her behavior. By providing structure and support and prompting her with questions, the coach was able to help June learn the skills to stay on track.

Until next time! And remember, if you have any questions please submit them!

Warmly, Nancy